There are some real advantages to running a dog for president. It would help, of course, if the dog was a governor, or at least a senator first, but we could make a case for an all-American common mongrel. People like strays. Everyone knows that dogs are really good runners, so that says it all. They don’t care much which direction there are running in so the party can just let it off the leash and it will run toward the nearest reward.
One benefit of having a dog in the White House is that it would surely bark a lot which would scare the country’s enemies and the dog would attack and bite any perceived threat regardless of reality.
Dogs can be trained to do almost anything. The party can run the dog so to speak and the dog can run the country. And the world I suppose.
I can see some concerns about press conferences and addresses to congress but no one other than journalists listen to them anyway. The country would save a lot on speech writers and fertilizer for the White House lawn.
Strategists would need to consider possible challenges from the cat party, the Democats. But they are generally poorly organized and full of hairballs so probably won’t pose a big opposition. Besides, voters don’t want a president that purrs and throws up a lot.
Oh, sure, there will be ‘wag the dog’ jokes but every president has to put up with such unkindness from the press and media. It’s the curse of service to one’s country. Semper fi.
The cabinet should fall into line fairly easily. It won’t be hard to find appropriate dogs for the various jobs: Secretary of State would, of course be a poodle, Secretary of Defense would be a Doberman or maybe a Rotweiler, depending on the mood of the populace. Health and Human Services: Cocker Spaniel? Interior: St. Bernard. Border Collie would have an obvious role. The economy? Rat Terrier? It goes on.
We haven’t talked about the vice-presidency. Maybe there is a coyote available. Then there will come Supreme Court nominees. That could be a problem. Toto from Kansas would argue well but may not stick to the party line, too independent. A Great Dane has a certain demeanor and is certainly suitably big, looks good in a robe. Chihuahua doesn’t quite have the chutzpah. Maybe a Spitz or a chow-chow will do. Purple tongue has certain grandeur.
It pays to take into account the appeal of the first lady. Has to be a collie or a Shitzu. Press secretary needs to be a dog of the people who can seem distant and friendly at the same time. Labrador. It’s those eyes that get you.
Yes, I think the Dog Party has the next election sewed up. Need to have a slogan: “I want your pants”. No, that brings up all sorts of problems. “Sniff my…” no, no, no. “Prick up your ears..” This is not going well. “We’re number woof!” okay that’ll do it.
See you in the dog house.
Jack Wilson is a writer and artist in Tempe, Arizona:
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